If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
