i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
