Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Randomize
