I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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