it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
