There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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