so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
