Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
