can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Are my feet made of real feet?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
