I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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