Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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