update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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