I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i just had sex bonerless
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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