No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
