I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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