dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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