You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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