im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
He passed out mid-signature
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
