my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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