New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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