Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
