In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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