I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
