i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
