I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i just sent this text using only my big toe
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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