so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Randomize
