he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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