and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
