Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
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