Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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