i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
