I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
