legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
