Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
