I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
