This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
