I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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