I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Your dad touched me again.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
