i just wanna soil my oats bro
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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