a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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