I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
