Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
