No awkward lesbian experiences without me
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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