i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
