Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
