Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
