I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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