Don't make out with my wife yet
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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