perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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