Jerry, you need to find god
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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