Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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